Alerts in dealing with the Coronavirus have been handled differently throughout the world.
ENGLAND
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to the virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, the level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
SCOTLAND
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastard.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
FRANCE
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
ITALY
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
GERMANY
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
BELGIUM
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
SPAIN
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
AUSTRALIA
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
CANADA
Canada’s first response was, “Virus, eh?” Then, they increased their response, their Prime Minister went into isolation. Next, they plan to close all schools. Finally, as a last resort they’ll shut down all “Tim Horton’s coffee shops.”
UNITED STATES under TRUMP
The US, as usual, takes an isolationist stance. “Buzz off” signs have been erected on all their borders. Trump got bored reading the longer sign, “It’s our border and we’ll build any walls we want to.” Air travel from Europe has been shutdown. When the Americans kick it up a notch, “Drone attacks,” will be launched on any country with an infection rate higher than 40%. The next level of action to which the US will revert will be “Carpet bombing.” For now, they are satisfied with building their walls, shutting down the NBA, NHL games but no need to take the final step, “shut down all bars and order every American to start packin’,” yet.
CHINA
The Chinese news services have broadcast that China is not responsible for the worldwide contamination. It’s fake news, a hoax perpetrated by the USA against their economy. The Chinese next level of response will be to reduce prices on all their exports by 80%; after that, they will get really serious with their response and pay countries to accept their goods.
The World Health Organization has declared the situation a pandemic. The Chinese declare it a pandamonia. Mike Pence has declared it ‘primaries panic’ caused by Russian and Chinese meddling in US affairs.
