Some new ones, some old, but all good chuckles in here
- I’m having a quarantine party this weekend! None of you are invited
- We are just two to three weeks away from learning everyone’s real hair color.
- Gonna ask my mom if that offer to slap me into next year is still on the table.
- All these people are worrying about a baby boom in the next nine months. Two days of homeschooling should nip that right in the bud!
- Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked him, “What are you doing?” He said, “Working from home.”
- If you thought toilet paper buying was crazy, just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment at the same time.
- All I can think about now when I’m watching any TV show or movie is how everyone is standing WAY too close together.
- I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe!
- The Department of Health is looking to hire couples married seven years or more to educate people on social distancing.
- Quarantine Day 37. I’ve started taking calls from telemarketers. Some of them are actually quite nice. Jamar from Superior Life Insurance has a new baby.
- Grocery shopping has become a real-life version of Pac-Man. Avoid everyone, get the fruit, and take any route possible to avoid conflict.
- So we don’t go to restaurants, kids aren’t signed up for anything, and we just stayed home for Spring Break? Sounds like my childhood!
- This is like being 16 again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded. Geez.
- My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine. It’s called, “Why Are You Doing It That Way?” There are no winners.
- When we come out of this and I ask you where you want to eat, I do NOT want to hear, “I don’t know.” YOU HAD 45 DAYS!
- Can’t wait until this is over so I can go back to social distancing on my own terms.
- Just bought six pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
- My car probably thinks I died.
- It’s been a blessing being home with the wife for three weeks now. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong for 15 years.
- I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.
- If your parents are over 60 and want to go out… FORBID THEM! If they complain and say, “But everyone else is doing it,” tell them, “You’re not everyone. ” IT’S PAYBACK TIME!
- Hormel Foods made their first batch of SPAM in 1937.
- With everyone out shopping and hoarding food, they have announced they will be making their second batch later this week.
- Please stay home! If you die, your wife will sell your Harley at the price you told her you paid for it!
- Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of colouring!
- Anyone else getting a tan from the light in your refrigerator?
