1. The HIP SURGERY Saga begins…
It sure wasn’t what I had in mind as a Christmas gift for myself, a new hip…..A new hip… yeah, sure! This is my tale of woes and ows. I finally gave in to getting the new hip. It’s a long tale and I am writing the story for the benefit of others who might be in the same situation: arthritic pain and what to do about it, what can be done about it.
How it all started
This all started about three years ago. I was having pain in my right hip. Dr. Vinnie Boombah’s diagnosis, it’s ‘arthritis.’ Treatment, in alphabetic order, ADVIL or TYLENOL. Cure? None.
Initial steps, no pun intended
The pain, like those insufferable lawn fertilizing people coming to the door, just kept on knocking on my door with increasing intensity, slowly and ceaselessly until it became a call for action situation.
Small steps first…
First, massage therapy, the legitimate kind though she was a blonde just not from Sweden. The massage helped a little once the initial bruising subsided. I never knew a young woman could have such strong hands. She was likely a champion in some physical competition; the winner of Gold at the Timiskaming Wrist Wrestling Championships where she likely beat out Olaf, the ogre of the north and Sammie the Hulk from nearby Kirkland Lake. A few sessions later, no respite from the pain.
Gotta kick it a notch…
I needed to kick the pain reliever search up another notch. My next try, a physiotherapist. This professional worked like an Indian shaman expanding her focus to include the mind, the body and the spirit. Notice there’s nothing there about “Hip,” and justifiably so. The hip remained. So did the pain.
Back to the witch doctor, Vinnie. Xrays now the ticket were the path to more answers…or at least have a look inside, not much else. Confirmation, one sick hip, cartilage almost all gone.
Seriously kicking it some more with hip specialist consultation…
OK…it was time to escalate the consultation process had arrived, time to kick it up to the big guns, a hip and knee replacement specialist. Dr.”I do Hips often” Sergeo made it sound like a game at the fist appointment: “Bingo! You win a free Hip replacement.” No hesitation, no second thoughts. I won a new hip, a replacement paid for by your big-time hospital personnel supporter, Premier Doggie Ford.
Show time
Dr. Sergeo puts up the xrays. “And the Oscar goes to “Szpin’s RIGHT SIDE…starring NO CARTILAGE!” And Best Supporting role, “Szpin’s LEFT SIDE, SOME CARTILAGE REMAINS…”
RIGHT SIDE LEFT SIDE
Now let’s look at the upcoming sensation, Martin Scorsese’s directed, “SZPIN’s ARTIFICIAL Hip”
Anxiety and stress, more problematic than the hip
With the hip replacement scheduled, a new pain erupted on the battlefield of my body. Ever heard the phrase, “I am my own worst enemy?” Well, I should have been General MacArthur. OK, OK…let’s keep it Canadian, General Montcalm. The battlefield: my damn body; the combatants: the old hip pain and age. Then new troops entered the fray: anxiety, stress, and worry. Dr. ‘I-do-Hips’ focused on one word during our initial consultation, the word ‘PAIN.’ He sprinkled it throughout the interview like Tim Horton’s sprinkles on their calorie-laden donuts. “I don’t use fentanyl. ‘PAIN!'” “I prefer morphine. ‘PAIN!'” I would have liked the guy to say things like ‘control of pain’ or ‘elimination of pain.’ I would have given him brownie points even if he just said the inspiring ‘reduction of pain.’ Nope, not Dr. PAIN. PAIN was his word and he was stickin’ with it.
H-Day minus 4
Surgery is just days away…”H-Day minus 4” and my anxiety levels are skyrocketing like a COVID patient’s temperature when infected by the new COVID-19 strain.
Pre-OPERATION consultations…
A few days before my scheduled surgery, I had ‘Preoperation consultations’ with a number of medical staff:
- Preop managing nurse, AMY
A lightning-speed-speaking medical staff person, Amy covered all the vital topics quickly and expeditiously. from when to arrive, what to wear, what to bring, how to prepare and what was needed for overnight stay. - Amy needed to do two virus checks to see if I was clean of two notable viruses that could pose a risk to other hospital patients and hospital staff: Staphylococcus aureus and Enterococci viruses known to be resistant to most antibiotics. She swabbed me.
- Pharmacist consultant
A hospital personnel consultant who showed her stress with the job, rushed, succinct and to the point, the pharmacist consultant’s responsibility was to confirm my list of medications. I take or have taken so many prescriptions for a shopping list of maladies and medical issues. Not only is the list longer than T****’s ‘anti-Christmas card list, but the consultant’s verbalization of the names blew me away…Atorvastatin, Bisoprolol, Cholecalciferol, Tamsulosin, Telmisartan-Hydrochlorothiazid. Talk about becoming a toxic dump of alphabet soup of chemicals! - Anesthetist consultant
If a staccato rate of speaking is indicative of stress and being overworked, Dr. Ho-Tai confirmed it. Ra-tat-tat, ra-tat-tat…like verbal bullets smacking the chest, She needed to review my history of anesthesiological interventions. Huh? What, if any reactions to anesthesiology have you had? Any allergies? Problems with spinal intubations? General anesthetic? Dr. Ho’s bedside manner was rather shortcoming, not so much for being cold and antiseptic (couldn’t resist that one) but if she were on the battlefield, she would have ammunition remaining, she was that efficient. To the point, no beating around the bush. - Internal medicine consutant
The final consultant had the role of reviewing all the info the other consultants covered. By this time, after nearly two hours of consultation, reviewing, repeating and recalling my medical history, I was stunned, a ‘tabula rasa,’ a blank mind, stunned into no recall, no memory, no thinking. I more or less burbled responses hoping they were correct and appropriate. - Then his concluding question knocked for a loop: “What makes you a strong man?” Are you kidding? I am a computer nerd, living on the machine as I blog and write my material. I don’t do physical things and that was what he was interested in knowing. Bottom line, before the hip issue erupted Fermo, my Scottish terrier, was my saving grace. We walked a couple of miles every night. That was about two months ago…as my hip cartilage eroded, my walking routine disintegrated. The only walk I do is from my home PC to the kitchen. My only Scottish connection, you guessed it, my daily Scotch. Screw those damn lists referring to alcohol consumption where they scare the bejeezus out of people. The hell with today’s counterparts of Carrie Nation or Billy Sunday.
Four consultants down, brain turned to mush, return home. Next stop, surgery, two days from now.
Some personal thoughts…
As nice as it is to hear positive messages and words of encouragement from so many folks regarding hip replacement stories and scenarios, the soil for these seeds is fallow. My mind is frozen in negative mode. I am certain I will be returning home…but not as certain life will be improving or improved as so many well-wishers claim. My biggest apprehension is about the pain. We shall see….but exercise, physiotherapy…..gotta do it religiously according to everyone.
H-Day has arrived…e
I’ll be under the knife today, hopefully, properly sedated. If all goes well, I am scheduled for an overnight stay before coming home tomorrow.
Here’s hopin’ and prayin’ folks!
To continue reading the tale, CLICK —> 2. HIP SAGA continues….
