- I don’t need anger management, I just need people to stop annoying me.
- Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
- I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
- My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
- The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.
- When I was child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini vacation.
- The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
- Even duct tape can’t fix ‘stupid,’ but it can muffle the sound!
- Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
Hard of hearing; not of being truthful.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
- When the kids text me “plz”, which is shorter than please, I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”
- At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
