HUMOUR: FOOD FOR THOUGHT

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Thoughts about the English Language according to George Carlin.gift box

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,.               but the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes;                    one fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,.                   yet the plural of moose should never be meese;              you may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,           yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

 

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If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen ?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet ?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth ?

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Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose;
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim !

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Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England.

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We take English for granted,
but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square;
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing,
grocers don’t groce & hammers don’t ham ?

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Doesn’t it seem crazy that …
you can make amends but not one amend ?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it ?

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If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught ?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat ?

 

Sometimes I think all people who speak English
should be in an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play,
and play at a recital ?

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We ship by truck but send cargo by ship …
We have noses that run & feet that smell;
We park in a driveway & drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance & a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man & a wise guy are opposites ?

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You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down;
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing …

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If Father is Pop …
How come Mother’s not Mop ?

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